In all the conversations we have, have had, there is a sweet, melancholic ecstasy that engulfs us. A beautiful feeling, young love. There is confusion, chaos and all things weird. There is a lot I don’t know of you and you of me, things with the potential to rip us apart. You come with a need of approval, a need to be liked. I wonder if I will ever be enough, my chaos too much.
In all the mayhem that ensues in the context of us, I wonder who you are, when not with me. What are those hidden layers I am yet to see? Are they are as scary as mine? Is it all too much, too soon? Who are you, sans me?
The descriptions your friends share don’t match the man I have come to know. I understand people behave differently when around those they love, but how do I be sure it isn’t a facade that would fall eventually? My gut feeling is usually right and seems to be all praises of you. Should I trust it?
Amidst all the confusion in my head about how I feel and how I ought to feel, there is a fleeting voice, reminding me of a memory. Our first date.
We had wandered into a toy store, a place of unbridled joy and fanfare. A safe space to express, be and breathe. In between aisles of expensive gifts, I had found my genuine glimpse of you.
An enthusiastic child in love with all things yellow and wheels. As you sped from category to category, unable to control your excitement, I noticed how you gave every piece enough time. You weren’t greedy, just overwhelmed.
You showed me around, I guided you. Small talks were replaced by details of likes and preferences. You spoke of the toys you have and wished to buy. Your strange love for number plates, laid bare for me. There was a comfort in you voice as you realised my acceptance. I wasn’t judging you and I could sense how glad you were at the fact.
Every time I wonder if I know the real you, I remember the way you lips curved in a smile that day, teeth shining bright. You were happy, you were you. I guess I have a long time to unravel the bits and pieces that hold you together, but that day was sure a good beginning. I hope the journey is just as beautiful, if not more.